Waiting for adoption of any kind is emotional, trying, lonely, and complicated to name a few. One thing it is not is easy. Adoption is not for the weak at heart, and I found waiting for our domestic adoption to be much harder on us than our international adoption.
When we began the home study process in May 2015 I felt so excited, very hopeful. God gave me a promise of a baby girl in the month of October, so I thought waiting six months for that promise would be a walk in the park. But, October 2015 came and went with no baby. Still I stayed hopeful. I started trying to figure out God. Maybe my baby was conceived in October... Christmas came and I heard a song on the radio that sang "hope is born" I knew then that would be my daughter's name. January came with a referral of a baby girl born in December. I convinced myself this was it, and God's promise flew out the window. I started making plans, dreams of her future. I bought a few things. I just knew we would be chosen...but, we weren't. This is the hardest part of domestic adoption. Expecting birth moms look at your life story from a book and decide, nope they aren't good enough. Rejection is so hard.
I didn't tell many people, not even my husband, how much I had gotten my hopes up. I fell into a dark place in this journey. One that, I'm sure I'm not alone in, but few want to admit. I was mad, hurt, angry, and depressed. And, I stayed that way for a long time. Even after experiencing what God did when Rush came home. How He provided. How he never left me, even though I didn't see his plan till the end. I was mad at Him. I couldn't look at pregnant women with out being angry at her or God. Seeing baby clothes and diaper commercials made me cry. I began to question God's plan. I began to even question His very existence. Michael and I had long talks about the how and whys of life, and he always came back to "we have to believe". (But, I was still angry.)
I'm not proud of that time or those feelings. To pretend I am a perfect Christian and never have doubts and feelings would be wrong and unrealistic to portray to you. but I do believe God works on us during those times of doubt. He allows us to just be in our emotions. To be mad at Him. He understands our cries and is sad along side us until we have had time to process and grieve those emotions. One Sunday in church it was as if a light bulb went off. The sermon was preached directly to me that day, but all I took away from it was Hebrew 13:8 "I AM THE SAME GOD, yesterday, today, and tomorrow" I'm the same God that brought Rush home. The same God that got four children out of that orphanage not just two, and I am the same God that will bring your baby home.
Our one year mark of waiting was apon us and our home study would need updated in July 2016. We began considering other options and international adoption continued to come up. We were tired of not getting selected, and wanted something familiar to us. I could not, however, stop thinking about my dream of holding a newborn and the month of October. I felt as though we were forcing our plan on to God. Again, at church God clearly spoke to me "Can you trust me?" I thought yes, of course. But, I had not idea if that meant wait until October for my baby girl or go to Bulgaria to find my little girl with an October birthday. I was tore, Michael was pushing for international, and our home study could not wait past July. We decided on an international agency and started the process. I once again had to grieve the loss of holding my newborn, and the future I had pictured. But, this time it was to move on and look ahead so I begrudgingly moved forward.
The very week we had made all these plans and paid the first fee an agency called us. The agency we were not currently using. The agency we used for our first adoption, and the agency we hadn't talked to in years. "Hello Samantha, are you and Michael interested in adopting again?" I literally laughed out loud. She went on to say a couple had come in that week to make an adoption plan for their baby and she thought of us. They are a small agency and needed to offer them a few couples to choose from. I didn't ask a lot of questions; I just said yes this can not be a coincidence.
August 2016 we find out they are having a girl due in September. I worked very hard to keep my emotions in check. We didn't share the possibility with anyone, not even our parents. On the last Sunday in August the agency finally calls "Can you come to the office tonight?" I assumed they had looked at our book and wanted to meet a few couples to decide. "No, they haven't looked at your book, we told them about you guys and they want to meet you." We hurried to the agency not knowing what to expect and trying to have no expectations.
That night we meet the parents of our daughter. The divine magnitude of that meeting was breathtaking. Hope had found us. She was born on a September night and was perfect in every way. The next day we finally called our parents to invite them to meet their newest grandbaby!
So...what about that October baby God promised? It just so happened, circumstances caused the adoption to be "up in the air" after bringing Hope home, with us, from the hospital. It was a very scary time. We cared for her, loved on her, but kept a wall around our emotions. BUT, God works all things for good. I was reminded how I prayed for my next child to have as an amazing God story as the last, and as if God had it planned from the beginning we were finally able to appear in court October 2016. Yes, we took custody of our baby girl in October.
P.S. Thank you Jesus.
P.S.S. I'm sorry I doubted you.