When a couple is happily married the next logical step is to add children to the happiness! Right?
That was the plan for me and Michael. We had been good people, we played by all the rules growing up, and we believed God would take care of us. We would add beautiful children, they would be happy, we would be happy, and we would live our happy little life like the perfect little family I pictured. And, CUT.... roll movie credits!
Life doesn't always play out the way we envision it, does it! When we decided to build our family the birth control stopped; months went by and I knew something wasn't right with my body. I went to the doctor to make sure, first, I was OK and, second, would this affect our chances of having children. No big deal, we were only married a couple of years, we weren't in a hurry. This first year was actually calm for us. I was giving my body time to recover from the years of birth control, per my doctors advice. My periods were far and few between, but I trusted that it might take awhile to "get out of my system". I'm a procrastinating planner, so waiting with a plan was fine with me. I knew God would provide when the time was right.
Months turned into years, and the doctor turned into the fertility specialist. This is when the casual not in a hurry attitude turns into panic, sheer panic, and those feelings of wanting a family turn into the deepest desires. The next few years were filled with doctors appointments, all kinds of testing, blood work, ultrasounds, medications. All carefully hidden between jobs and activities. Even though I wasn't alone in the waiting room of the fertility clinic I still felt ashamed to be there. The waiting room was so oddly quiet; allowing your mind to wander...how long had the others been trying? What if this doesn't work? Hopeful yet guarded month after month. Guilt felt like a familiar blanket; guilt that I was spending hundreds of dollars with no outcome. guilt that I was broken. Guilt that I had failed as a wife. Guilt that I was unworthy of children. Over two years of Infertility treatments ended with the doctor telling us in-vitro was the only option we had because, and I quote, "the sun and the moon and the stars would have to a line for you to get pregnant"....have a nice day, right? No clear answer as to why, just good old fashion unexplained female infertility and low male sperm count. I had had enough mentally and physically.
I was confused. I was mad. I questioned God. I questioned myself. I wondered what I did wrong for God to punish me. Let’s be real, I was hurt that a God I loved so much; a God I believed loved me so much would do this to ME!
I can look back now and clearly see God's plan working through this tough time in our lives, but in the heat of the struggle it was so hard. Struggling is part of the story. The part that molds us, shapes us into what we need to become. God was working on me, working on Michael to ready us for what he had called us for. And, might I add what an amazing husband I have. He wanted kids for no other reason than because I wanted kids. With all of my doubt and questioning God's will for our life, Michael never wavered. With our struggles our relationship became stronger, and he said the one statement that I needed to hear.
"We have to stop asking ourselves, why us? and start asking, why NOT us?"
We are not victims. God did not give us infertility; we live in a broken world where bad things can happen to anyone! When I finally came to terms with this I was able to allow God to use me! God did have a plan and He does love me so much that He could take this hurt and turn it into an undeniably amazing story! As our fertility treatments were coming to a close we really had two options, in-vitro or adoption.
Adoption was not necessarily at the top of our to do list, but I had started talking about it early as a "what if we can't get pregnant?". Neither of us had any prior experiences or knew anyone who was or had adopted. Adoption does not cure infertility, but I was always open to the possibility. I think it is easier for a woman to have those feelings. Michael, took time, and honesty he was pretty happy living a childfree life, his concern was supporting me. Our talk of in-vitro was brief. I was tired of the emotional rollercoaster, and the idea of even more mediations and shots scared me. My mind continued to think of all the children in the world that needed parents as badly as I wanted to be a mother.
I started praying very specifically. First, I ask God to take the desire of pregnancy away. If it is never meant to be, than take it away! Second, I ask him to soften Michael's heart and open doors. And, He did just that! Third, I ask for direction when researching adoption. Show us where our children are! (This is obviously the beginning of the next chapter!)
From Infertility to Adoption; God has a way of changing your dreams to fit His dreams for you.
And, His dreams are always better and beyond what you could have imagined.
Today, 15 years of marriage later and two beautiful children through adoption. Each having an amazing testament to God’s perfect plan for our family. I see the miracles that are my kids each day and thank God for trusting me with their lives. No, adoption does not fix infertility, but because of infertility a family was created for me and my children through adoption.